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Category: Behavior (Page 2 of 3)

Finding Comfort in the Uncomfortable: What a whiny high school girl can teach you about hard work

Imagine you’re a personal trainer. You’ve just told a group of ten of your clients to do barbell front squats, and now they appear to be doing their best impressions of a dying worm. Like a broken record, they’re repeating the phrase, “I can’t do it.” Two of them complain that the exercise is uncomfortable and their wrists hurt.

Due to limitations of manpower, equipment, and time, you have two responses to choose from:

  1. “Okay. Let’s take you back down to the kettlebell front squat we always do.”
  2. “Okay. Can you keep going or do you need an alternative?”

Worth noting, you must convey sincere nonverbal and verbal compassion in your response. Obviously, there are other things you can do, such as kick them in the groin and tell them they’re being a child, but the two listed above are the top two choices in my mind. Feel free to discuss alternatives in the comments below.

So which option do you pick?

Continue reading

Moms, Here’s How to Get Your Daughter Interested in Exercise

This 10-year-old was screaming. Crying. The rest of us were silent.

“Face it! I’m just not someone who is meant to exercise.”

She ran upstairs, leaving us speechless.

There are a lot of moments that shape your life, but that one has been burned into my mind.

My sister has struggled with joint pain and body image issues for years. She spends all of her time on the couch with her iPad.

Does this sound like your daughter?

After deeming herself unfit for exercise, I decided to take things into my own hands.

Fast forward to the present, my sister now:

  • Rarely says negative things about herself
  • Has friends she plays with regularly
  • Willingly exercises for hours

This post will show you how to get your daughter interested in exercise.


Change the Way You Communicate

Your own behavior is the first place to start.

Set an Example

Don’t be a hypocrite. Eat well, exercise regularly, and be positive about it (but don’t be annoying).

No matter how you’ve acted in the past, you should now think of yourself as a person who exercises and eats well.

If you don’t currently set this positive example, try these three things:

  1. Plan your meals ahead of time. Example: On Sundays, I will plan out my meals for the rest of the week.
  2. Make exercise part of your daily routine. Example: I will exercise for 30 minutes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday after work.
  3. Decide what part of your daily routine you will cut out and replace with exercise. Example: I will watch TV for one less hour each night.

For more tips, read my post about how willpower relates to diet and exercise.

Avoid the righting reflex

When we argue with someone, we tend to take up the side for change. This is known as the righting reflex and it reflects our desire to help people. This forces the person we are talking with to defend herself, listing reasons she should not change.

The problem is that when we list reasons we should not change, it reinforces our decision to not change.

For example, when my sister said she was not the type of person who is meant to exercise, it is ineffective to respond with, “exercise is good for you,” or, “it will be fun” because she will want to argue why you are wrong.  However well-intentioned these words might be, she will defend herself in order to protect her own self esteem.

Stop directing and start guiding

Instead of directing your daughter, act more like a guide. Ask her questions instead of giving her commands. If you do have to give her advice, first ask for permission to do so.

What are some ways you can get her excited about exercise? How can we make exercise more convenient for her?

Reflect her words about change

When she mentions reasons why she should stay the same, don’t emphasize them. If she sprinkles a little optimism in there, highlight it.

My sister is really good with a hula hoop going one way, but has a lot of difficulty when trying to spin it the other direction. When she’s flying through it, I ask her, “Can you go the other way?”

For some kids, this question is enough to get them to try it. For others, they will simply laugh and say, “No, I can’t,” while continuing to do things the easy way. In these cases, I don’t want to reflect their negative self-talk. Usually the best follow up is, “It’s hard, isn’t it?” This shows that failure is something everyone goes through. It helps if you get in there and fail right next to them.

Here are some other responses I might use:

  • “If you practice, you can get better.”
  • “You just gotta practice!”
  • “Give it a shot.”

I like these responses less because they are commands that don’t show the same level of empathy.

You’re in this battle for the long haul. Change doesn’t have to happen immediately, so don’t sweat it, and, most importantly, don’t force it.


Learn to Play

You don’t need to go to the gym to be healthy.

Find an activity that isn’t considered exercise

If she views exercise as work, turn exercise into play. You can go to the pool, ride bikes, ice skate, etc.

With my sister, I chose rock climbing because it is fun and not competitive, so she doesn’t feel as much pressure to be good at it.


Photo credit: Simone Meier; enhanced & cropped (CC BY 2.0)

Make it Easy to Say, “Yes”

The way you phrase the invite to play is crucial.

Make it specific, immediate, and fun

An example: “Hey, we’re going rock climbing right now. Do you want to come?”

We discussed fun above in the section on Play. The request is specific, so she knows exactly what to expect, and the immediacy of the request gives her less time to “reason” herself out of doing it.

Invite her to something you’re going to do whether or not she joins you. If she says no, tell her how much fun you had when you get back and invite her again next time.


Photo credit: Bureau of Land Management, cropped (CC BY 2.0)

Select an age-appropriate activity

When my family and I were trying to get my sister interested in exercise, we brought her to my adult group exercise class. It worked for a little while, but the benefits did not last because she noticed how many more coaching cues she was getting than everyone else (my mistake) and how people cheer on those who succeed.

A few months down the road I invited her to my youth class. I made them play a bunch of games and just sat back and let her participate as much as she wanted. She had a blast (I know because she told me). She even played with another kid for an extra hour. Then she was so happy that she did the adult class afterwards.

I call that a victory.


How to Get Your Daughter to Become More Active

  1. Communicate more effectively: lead by example, stop directing, and start guiding.
  2. Turn exercise into play: find an activity that isn’t considered work.
  3. Make invites specific, immediate, fun, and age-appropriate.

We still have a long way to go with my sister, but I can’t imagine where we’d be had I not started with her when I did.

The sooner we can introduce exercise and healthy behaviors, the more likely those behaviors will last a lifetime. The years of youth dramatically shape how we develop, both mentally and physically. Plant the seed of health in her mind early.

If you need help, please contact me and share this article with other moms who need help.


Click here if you need help with your mobility problems

Client Show Off

I just wanted to share with everyone some hard work from one of the morning clients at IFAST over the last week.

Squat. Bench. Deadlift.

Maria Dolar 125 Back Squat
Maria Dolar 70lb Bench Press
Maria Dolar 190lb Deadlift

Maria has always been fun to train since she’s very physically healthy. She works hard and just needs to be pushed on some occasions. Her technique is usually flawless.

I swear I don’t just beat her up all the time, but sometimes you should push the envelope a little. She went heavy on her last two sessions, now we’ll back down and let her recover.

Great work, Maria!

Book Review: Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely

Rationale for reading: Hope to improve my ability to keep clients accountable. Recommendation from Zach Moore.

Book summary: Quote from Ariely: “Our irrational behaviors are neither random nor senseless—they are systematic and predictable.” (p. 239)

Review summary: Use relativity to your advantage. Set a new anchor and be more like Starbucks. Don’t switch between social norms and market norms. Keep your clients feeling positive emotions. Shut the doors that suck your life force away. Manage expectations.

Suggested audience: Anyone who interacts with people, especially if you coach them to change their habits.


Dan Ariely became interested in behavioral economics after he was hospitalized, sustaining injuries from an explosion.

If you want a visceral reaction, just think about how painful it must have been to have bandages ripped off of his entire body. Over and over and over again. As someone who has been in a moderately-severe motorcycle accident, the effect this thought has on my body is amazing.

Predictably Irrational” is an amalgamation of Ariely’s research that provides insight into how our minds work. There’s a lot in this book, so I’m going to pick a few points I think are more applicable to fitness and talk about those.

Product Decoys and Dating

Relativity is a great way to illustrate how reality is based on our perception of the things around us. Take this picture, for example.

The blue circles are the same size! I still don't believe it.

Both the blue circles are the same size, but the environment (black circles) around them make them appear much different.

Think about this in terms of selecting which gym membership you want. You have two options: (A) gives me 1x/month one-on-one personal training for $199 and (B) gives me 4 semi-private training sessions and full use of the gym during the month for $199. It’s difficult to compare A to B.

But let’s say I throw in a third option (B-) which gives me 4 semi-private training sessions for $199/month, but no use of the open gym. Now I may not know if A is better than B, but I surely realize that B is better than B-. And if B is better than B-, it’s probably better than A as well. People are more likely to pick option B.

How can I use this as a fitness professional? I can set up training packages in a way that drive people to the most beneficial package. I could include a free group forum so that clients can keep themselves and others accountable. I can see them for shorter times but at a higher frequency. The possibilities are endless.

Starbucks and Paying for a Trainer

Mark Twain once wrote the following about Tom Sawyer: “Tom had discovered a great law of human action, namely, that in order to make a man covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.”

I’m reminded of the Romeo & Juliet effect from Cialdini’s Influence: Stop telling me I shouldn’t date her if you don’t want me to date her. All you’re doing is inciting a (predictable) fire of (irrational) passion.

Ariely presents the concept of arbitrary coherence, which is really just another illustration of perception.

Let’s say I have someone who has never worked out in their life, never worked with a trainer, and never even had a gym membership. What do they know about how much working out should cost them? Nothing.

Well, almost nothing.

They’ve seen commercials on TV and the billboards on their commute that say, “Join LA Fitness now for only $30/month!”

“Wow, exercise is cheap,” they think. Then when they come to you, they say, “LA Fitness costs $30/month. Your LOWEST price is $199/month. That’s ridiculous!”

They can’t see the added value that you bring that makes you worth the extra money. They think all exercise is just exercise. Now you must show and tell them why you’re better. Remember, if you don’t convince them to stay, you can’t help them.

In order to avoid the negative effects of arbitrary coherence, think about Starbucks. They’re a coffee company, right?

Not quite. What are they really? Are Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts the same experience?

Starbucks sells pastries, tea, French presses, and whole coffee beans. They have all those fancy machines back there to make those Macchiatos, Frappuccinos, and Caffè Mistos. They sell a venti coffee, not a large coffee. For two places that both sell coffee, they couldn’t be more different.

Ariely calls this “setting” a new anchor and avoiding the old anchor. If they tried to come out and compete with a similar company selling a similar product, they would lose. But if they set themselves apart from the rest…

As a fitness professional, I must find a way to have more value. I must offer something that you can’t get anywhere else. I think the best way to do this is through personal interactionshow people you care about them. Look at Mark Fisher Fitness. They are the Starbucks of the fitness industry.

Social vs. Market Exchange

This section is about framing your relationship with your customers. A social exchange is like a friendship. A market exchange is like a business proposal. Ariely never defines a winner between the two, but he does make sure you know the difference and how they interact.

An example from the book is the scenario of asking your friends to help you move. If it’s a few boxes, or maybe just some of the big things, that’s fine. Asking them to help you move everything, however, is not okay. Pay someone and stop taking advantage of your friends. Similarly, asking your neighbor to get your mail for free while you’re out of town is acceptable. Asking him to do your taxes for free is not.

As a business owner, do I want to establish social norms or market norms?

Let’s say I establish a social relationship with my clients. They know I care about them. They love that about me. It’s easier to ask for referrals. However, it gets harder to ask for money from them. Harder to raise your prices. Harder to sell more services to them.

If I establish market norms, they expect my prices to rise occasionally and it doesn’t phase them. Conversely, I have more trouble establishing that personal relationship that gets great results in fitness. They aren’t as emotionally tied to me.

Either way has it’s advantages, but you can’t have it both ways. Don’t treat them like family and then sick your lawyer on them if their a few days late on their payment. It’s likely that they will feel betrayed.

I see the answer in fitness to be anywhere you want it to be. Personally, I lean more towards social norms because it keeps me happy and I attract the type of clientele that will stick around, but I don’t completely abandon market norms because I have difficulty asking for money as it is.

Get Clients Aroused (Wait, What?)

My friend, Jae Chung, and I just had a conversation the other day about hitting on the clients more.

Not actually hitting on the clients, but maintaining an appropriate level of banter. It makes the session more fun for the client; they don’t want to work with a dry personality. All you’re trying to do is to make them feel better than they would if they hadn’t come to see you. There’s a reason my Facebook profile picture has been up for so long: smiles, sun, and bright colors.

Me and my Pre-Warped Tour outfit, four years ago

Man, I miss those sunglasses.

Ariely did some research on how his subjects perceive themselves and compared those responses to their responses when aroused (yes, in that sense of the word) and concluded, “They were simply unable to predict the degree to which passion would change them” (p. 97).

Stop right there.

I’m not suggesting you do—that—with your clients. What I’m suggesting is that you give them a positive emotional experience. My goal is always to make you feel better than when you came in. Change their emotions and you turn them into a new person. Change them the right way and you turn them into a happier person.

Keeping Doors Open

I helped a friend move things out of storage into his garage the other day. You’d be amazed at what people will hang onto. To an impartial outsider, it looks irrationalbut it’s still predictable. Everyone does it.

Let’s take a trip back in time to 210 BC. Chinese commander Xiang Yu led troops across the Yangtze River in a fight against the Qin dynasty. Imagine yourself as one of Xiang Yu’s soldiers. Your group lands on shore and sets up camp for the night. After you lay down for bed, you start to dream of flames engulfing your ships. What a hellish nightmare.

Then you awaken to find it’s real.

You alert your sleeping mates and charge the attackers, only to realize that it is your commander who has set your ships ablaze.

He tells you, “Now that you have no ships, you only have two options: victory or death.” They went on to win nine consecutive battles.

Xiang Yu knew that if the option to retreat existed, his troops would not fight with everything they had. This is perhaps the most extreme example of closing doors that history has known.

How do we keep doors open in our daily lives? Well, my friend can hoard his old suitcase, or soldiers can leave an escape route open, but it can happen on a personal level as well. Do you have an ex who is still available to you? It’s not as hard to break up (appears temporary) as it is to cut them out of your life (appears permanent), especially when they were the one to dump you. Or you may have found yourself staying in a relationship for much longer than you should have because it’s safe.

Any doors that drive us crazy should be shut because they sap your energy away from the things that matter.

As it pertains to fitness, this principle means find new friends who support your healthy lifestyle goals. I need to be aware that keeping old doors open could be what is preventing you from reaching your goals.

Fulfilling Expectations

If there’s vinegar in your beer, do you want to know about it? My prediction is no, at least not until after you’ve already had it.

There was an experiment that Ariely described where they let subjects taste test two different beers: one normal, one with vinegar in it. They controlled everything except when they told the subjects about the vinegar.

If a subject was told there was vinegar in the beer they had just drank, they were more likely to enjoy it. But if told prior to drinking, they had already decided that vinegar would make the beer gross.

The most famous brand in the world

Similar research has been done comparing Coke and Pepsi: people like Coke more, but only if they know they’re drinking more. The Coca Cola brand makes the product taste better. The Coke drinkers who knew what they were drinking had more activation in an area of the brain, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, that helps with associations among other things.

Drawing a correlate to fitness, this is a lot like the section on arousal. I want you to feel happy when you work out with me. So happy that you start to anticipate the happiness. I want it to be difficult for me to make you unhappy. I want to be the cue that triggers your habit to be happy.

Testimonials help this as well. As I’ve talked about before, this is social proof: “If it worked for other people, it can work for me.”


Instead of being wordy, I think one sentence from Ariely is a great summary of this book.

“Our irrational behaviors are neither random nor senseless—they are systematic and predictable.” (p. 239)

Pick up this book so you can learn to recognize these behaviors and use them to improve your results.

When was the last time you were irrational and should have seen it coming?

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